


Losing Our Minds and It Feels So Right

by katieh28



Category: I Am Not Okay with This (TV 2020)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Ghosts, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23320126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieh28/pseuds/katieh28
Summary: In some ways, Sydney was glad that homecoming happened, that it all went down then and there. At least now she knew what she was- no more pretending, no more running from her true self.Still, it was hard to pinpoint the exact moment in time that she knew, that she realized who she truly was- Was it the moment she broke Stanley Barber's heart, the most loyal person she had ever met? Was it the day she ruined her best friend's life? Or, now that she thinks about it, it might have been the whole killing an actual human being thing.Yeah. That was it, now that she thinks about it.There, in the school gymnasium on homecoming night in a silver dress, was the moment Syd realized that she was evil.ORPost season 1, Syd is wracked with guilt and convinced that the only solution is to isolate herself completely. It would be a brilliant plan, if it wasn't for Stanley Barber. Together they smoke weed, pine over girls, deal with heartache and plot to take down his abusive father. Not in that order. Maybe in that order.Along the way, they help each other heal.
Relationships: Dina/Sydney Novak, Stanley Barber & Sydney Novak, Stanley Barber/Original Female Character(s), Stanley Barber/Sydney Novak
Comments: 21
Kudos: 73





	1. Chapter 1

"Ow!" 

Stanley Barber yelped, picking whatever had been thrown at him from across the room out of his hair. He attempted to stare Syd down from the opposite side of the basement.

"Oh, come on," Syd said with a smirk. She watched Stan's jerky movements from across the room, his hands flailing wildly. At another moment, she might have founds this little quirk of his annoying, the way he moves his body, all twitchy, jolting motions. Right now, in the smoky haze of her mind, she found it almost endearing. 

"I didn't hurt you," Syd said, taking another drag from the her joint, waiting for the next wave of calm to hit. 

"That's your opinion," Stan said dramatically. "Whatever it was you threw at me- for your information, not that you care- really hurt me, Syd. Physically and emotionally." 

Syd rolled her eyes. "It was a piece of popcorn, drama queen." 

"Yeah, well, how do you like it!" Stanley said, suddenly hurling a fistful of kernels from his bag of popcorn at Sydney's face. Syd only giggled as pieces of popcorn rained down on her from across the room. 

"Okay, okay, I get it, enough," Syd said. 

"Nope," Stanley said. The room was dark, but she could hear the smile in his voice without seeing it. "This means war." 

"Not fair!" Syd yelled as she was assaulted with pieces of popcorn once again. She tried to duck behind the hideous couch that he apparently slept on, but Stanley Barber had surprisingly good aim. "I don't even have a weapon." 

"Alright, alright," Stan said. "There's a bag of bag of pretzel nuggets in the corner by the VHS tapes. Do your worst, Sydney Novak." 

"Oh, these are perfect," Syd said, starting to feel light, like she was floating away. She started laughing to herself and was surprised to find that she couldn't stop. "Prepare to lose, Stanley Barber." 

"To Snack-maggeddon! The snack-lympics! The great snack-down!" Stan shouted before hurling the remainder of his popcorn across the room in a single fistful. Syd launched her pretzel nuggets one by one at Stan, watching them fly through the air like small, salty bullets.

-But pretzels were not weapons, not bullets. They were simply pretzels. _But if they were weapons, they would be delicious ones-_

But no, they were _not_ weapons, Sydney reasoned to herself again, her mind foggy and high. Salty goodness is all that they were truly good for, not murdering Stanley Barber. Not that she wanted to murder Stanley Barber. She didn't.

And when they were lying down next to each other a minute later, crumbs from their projectile snacks stuck in their hair, breathing heavily, her drug-addled mind apparently wanted Stan to know this fact. She announced to Stan then, in dramatic fashion, that she _didn't_ actually in fact want to murder him with snack foods, and Stan, in turn, cast her one of those perfect, goofy grins and told her he knew.

"Can I tell you a secret, Stan?" 

Syd rolled over to face Stan from her position next to him on the floor. Stan was lying on his side, propped up on his elbow, an impossibly large grin on his face. A twinkle in his eye. 

"You can tell me anything, Syd." 

Syd giggled, picking a pretzel out of her shirt collar, holding it up to the light and examining it between her fingers. 

"Stan, you are like this pretzel nugget." 

"Oh, really?" Stan said, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. 

"Uh huh," Syd said, the world around her expanding and receding in waves. She feels the carpet between her toes and realizes she's barefoot. 

"How so? Do you find pretzels sexy, alluring and endlessly charming?" 

Syd threw her head back and laughed violently at this, _had she ever laughed this hard before?_ If she had, she couldn't remember it. 

She certainly hadn't laughed like this since homecoming. 

She quickly shook the thought of homecoming out of her mind, instead turning to grin at Stan, who was, for better or for worse- and usually for worse- there for her. Endlessly loyal Stan, whom she had been avoiding for the past few weeks- _why had she been avoiding him again?_ She couldn't remember, and at this point, she didn't even care. He made her feel normal, and that was enough reason to ask him to stay.

Suddenly she found herself reaching out and grabbing Stan's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. She swore she saw him blush. "-You're like this pretzel because..."

"....Because..." he goaded her. 

Syd smiled to herself, staring at the ceiling. "...Because you taste weird and salty but I like you anyway."

Stan laughs endlessly at this, and Syd likes the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles. 

"I'm not sure whether I should be more offended on behalf of myself, or on behalf of pretzel nuggets everywhere. It is truly the perfect snack." 

"Yeah, okay," Syd says dreamily. She feels her eyelids getting heavy. 

"And does Dina- I mean- does Dina _really_ kiss all that much better-"

"-Dina tastes like cherries," Syd says, letting her head roll to the side. Her mind floats back to beautiful, dark cascading curls, perfect pink lips. 

"So what I'm hearing is, all I'd have to do, hypothetically, to get you to like me-" Stan says, "-is buy some fruity lip balm? Noted." 

"Nope, nope," Syd says, her voice sounding distant, dreamy. "You'd have to become perfect. Because Dina- she's _perfect_." 

They both become quiet for a moment after this, but Stan's silence is louder somehow, more consuming. Syd listens to the steady sound of his breathing next to her, watches the rise and fall of his chest. She closes her eyes for a moment before looking at Stan, and he's staring up at his ceiling like he could see past it into the night sky, and she loved him, then, in some way. Maybe it wasn't the type of love she was supposed to feel for him, the kind of love that made sense. But it was something. 

"You're perfect." 

He says it so quietly that Sydney almost doesn't hear it, and then he's throwing another pretzel nugget at her. This time it hits her nose- she realized then that they had inched closer to each other. In the darkness, cheeks pressed against the carpeted floor, they were maybe a centimeter apart. 

Syd didn't know what possessed her to do it then, but in that moment her lips met his, and it was soft, and it was good. Not exciting exactly, her heart didn't race and her palms didn't sweat. But it was, in a way, comforting. She was reminded of the first time they kissed in his dingy basement, showing each other their hidden acne like it was still the worst thing they had to hide. She had felt safe then, like the world wasn't crashing down around her, like she had finally found someone who understood her and maybe she wasn't so weird after all. It was a simpler time, one that she yearned for, and so she kissed him, and when he didn't pull away neither did she. 

He didn't taste like cherries, and her mind was a cloud floating away from her. But in that moment, as she drew back to look into Stan's eyes, forever sparkling with a hint of mischief, Stan was beautiful to her. 

Not beautiful in the same way Dina was beautiful. But in some way he was beautiful, and she loved him. 

"You're perfect," she whispered back to him, her voice airy and light. 

Right there, on Stanley Barber's basement floor, Sydney Novak was most certainly losing her mind. 


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Syd feels the piece of popcorn hit the back of her head before she sees it. 

She feels that tiniest thud to the back of her skull and she knows, just _knows_ exactly who's behind it.

Syd spins around to see Stan siting at the table behind her, all lanky limbs and goofy smile in a jacket much too large for him, smirking at her with his hand wrist-deep in a bag of cafeteria-supplied popcorn. 

"What are you doing?" she whispers, trying not to draw attention to herself. The cafeteria is oddly quiet today, and she doesn't need any more eyes on her. Not after what happened. 

After all that's happened, it's best that she sits alone.

She's tried to tell Stan this, multiple times. It's best for everyone right now that she keeps her distance. 

And so he insists on sitting at the table directly behind her in the cafeteria, day after day, finding small yet increasingly irritating ways to get her attention. 

"Who, _me?_ Certainly not trying to start a food fight, if that's what you think," Stan said. "But I'll have you know that if that _was_ what I was planning, I'm not just going to let you win easy this time, Syd."

He winks at her then, actually winks at her. 

Jesus, _why?_

Syd sighs audibly before taking a slow inhale. 

"Look, I see what you're doing," she says. 

"And what exactly am I doing?" Stan asks innocently, leaning his elbows against the greasy cafeteria table, leaning closer to her. He raises his eyebrows at her, flashing her a playful grin. 

Syd sighs again, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. 

"I know you're just trying to cheer me up, but it's not going to work-" 

"You seemed pretty cheered up to me last night." 

Last night. The memories hit her like a ton of bricks, and she winces. She hadn't meant to lead Stan on again, she hadn't planned to see him and _God_ , she hadn't meant to kiss him. She had been avoiding him and everyone else for weeks now and it had all been going perfectly- not that being an outcast was ever a struggle for her, really. 

Last night with Stan was a fluke. She had meant to stay as far away from him as possible- she couldn't live with herself if she really hurt Stan, more then she had hurt him already. But there was something about the knowledge that she could go to his crappy basement and listen to bad 80s music and smoke weed and forget about the world for a while- she just couldn't say no. 

"-Last night was...nice," Syd says, pausing to look at Stan, that hopeful glimmer ever present in his eyes leaving her feeling strangely nauseous. He looked at her like she put all the stars in his sky, and it only makes her hate herself more than she ever had before."-But I was high. I'm not anymore. I'm in the real world now, and in the real world I'm dangerous to everyone. Including you." 

Stan paused momentarily, his expression thoughtful. 

"So," he said slowly. "No getting close to you, keep a safe distance, got it. But nothing in the rule book about torturing you from afar?" 

Syd blinked at him, expression unamused. 

"Look around you, Stan," Syd said, gesturing at the empty tables surrounding them in the lunch room. "No one else seems to have a problem avoiding me like the plague, why can't you?" 

Stan's flirty grin disappeared then, and finally he looked somber. 

His eyes softened as he looked at her, through her, from across the room. 

"Because I know you," he said simply. 

Syd opened her mouth to speak, but before she was able to get a word out Stan had dumped the remains of his lunch in the trashcan next to him and walked out the door. 

Syd looked around then at the tables upon tables of students, all a healthy distance away from her. She tried not to notice, but it was impossible not to. No one wanted to even sit in the vicinity of diary-girl, the secret lesbian in love with her best friend, but that didn't mean they didn't feel entitled to stare. 

It was obvious what they all thought of her, they hated her- and they didn't even know the worst thing she'd done. 

Syd buried her head in her hands, letting out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding in. 

In that moment, surrounded by a sea of people she'd known for years, Syd had never felt more alone. 


	3. Chapter 3

"So this is your plan, really?"

Syd jumped at the sound of his voice. She took a breath to steady herself before looking over to see Stan staring at her, only his eyes and that curly mess of hair visible as he stood behind the open door of her locker.

"Shit, you scared me," Syd said, her eyes wide. "And what exactly _is_ my plan?"

"You know, the usual Sydney special," Stan said. "Hiding away from the world like a hermit because you're so afraid that you're going to hurt someone, which you're not-"

"-Which I am-"

"-Which you _wouldn't_ , if you simply allowed me to continue being your mentor so we can learn to use your powers for good. Or, at least, for _not_ killing people-"

"Oh my God, did you just say that out loud?"

"Who's going to hear us? No one's around and no one's coming. You're alone. You've made sure of that."

"Trust me," Syd said. "Like I've told you. It's better this way."

"Better for who?" Stan asked, his eyes pleading. "You're the only friend I've got and I haven't seen you in weeks. And Dina? She's been a mess since Brad-"

"-Are you really going to bring up _his_ name right now?-"

"All I'm saying is she could probably use a friend, and you two used to be...pretty close." Stan looked pained then, his mouth a hard line.

"-So you're actually, really actually suggesting I go comfort Dina, when I'm the reason she's grieving in the first place?"

Stan's gaze fell to the floor. "I never said comfort, just...spend time with her," Stan said quietly. "I know I'm the last person who should be trying to get you two together. I know it doesn't make sense. I just hate seeing you like this- and I know she'll make you happy."

Syd looked at him then, really looked at him. For the first time during their conversation, Syd noticed the dark purple bruise on Stan's cheek. Slowly she shut her locker door, revealing the rest of Stan's face, and she winced as she took in his split lip, still caked with blood and swollen.

"What happened to you?"

"We're talking about you right now," Stan said quickly. "And how you're shutting out the entire world, including me, because you're so afraid of hurting someone. I don't need protecting, Sydney."

Syd was quiet for a moment. "I don't know if that's true."

"What?"

"What happened to your face?"

Stan looked at her, biting his lip. "We're talking about you."

"It was your dad, wasn't it?" Syd asked.

Stan looked away, his eyes focusing on something in the distance. "You're trying to change the subject. I want to talk about why you've been avoiding me ever since that night in my basement. One minute everything was fine and you're throwing pretzels at me and you're happy and now it's like- you're a zombie, walking through these halls. I don't even recognize you."

His words sting more than she expects them to.

"I know what happened was- bad. No, fucking awful," Stan said quietly. "But it doesn't mean you have to stop living."

Syd is quiet for a moment, fighting the urge to wipe the wetness from her eyes. Her eyes sting from the tears, but she knows she deserves them, and so they stay.

"Please," Stan says, taking her hand in his. "I need my best friend."

Syd bit her lip, a swirl of emotions circling inside of her like a tornado.

"-I need you, Syd," he said. "I really do. These past few weeks haven't been great for me either."

Syd feels a pang in her chest at his words and is drawn back to stare at his bloody lip, his bruised face. How many times had this happened the past few weeks, how many days had he shown up to school bloody and hurt and she hadn't even noticed? Syd squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to break down. How much pain has she caused, and more importantly, how was she supposed to move forward with the knowledge of it hanging over her head like a black cloud?

"Sydney-"

"-When did this happen," Syd stammered, her eyes downcast, fighting back tears. "Your face. When."

Stan was quiet for a moment. Syd looked up to see Stan's face twisted into a tight grimace, his eyes closed, and in that moment Syd wanted nothing more than to see him smile.

She squeezed her eyes shut again and imagined that if she couldn't see the damage all around her, if she closed her eyes and really squeezed them tight, it might all disappear. All the damage, all the hurt that she's caused. 

"-Few days ago. I'm fine," he said quietly. "How did you know it was my dad?"

Syd tugged at the sleeve of her jacket. "You've told me enough stories about the men in your family being assholes, and the last time this happened was the night you crashed your dad's car," Syd said carefully, leaving out the unspoken. _The night you crashed your dad's car because of me, got hurt because of me._ "It wasn't exactly hard to figure out."

Stan just nodded quietly to himself before giving Syd a sad smile.

"We need to do something," Syd said. 

Stan laughed bitterly to himself, and Syd decided she hated that sound. 

"I'm serious," she said. 

"And what exactly are we going to do? Report him? Yeah, right." 

"We could." 

"You're not going to do that." There was a warning in his tone. 

"Okay, okay, so we don't report him," she said. "But isn't there like- anyone else you could live with?" 

Stan laughs that bitter laugh again, and Syd feels nauseous. "Unless you can find my mom. Even I don't know where she is, so good luck with that." 

Syd nods, holding back tears. Stan is still staring at his shoes, unable to look her in the eye. 

Suddenly she's angry that he can't look at her, she's angry that he's not smiling at her when his smile was often the only thing that got her through her days. She feels sick to her stomach as her eyes focus in on where the bruise on his cheek fades from purple to green, and it looks like it's painful. Fuck- was there anyone on this planet who deserved this less than Stanley Barber? Why did the world have to be so fucked up for all of them, but especially for him? 

"-This," Syd said, suddenly angry, "-This is bullshit." 

Stan, for once, is quiet. It's so out of character that it fuels the fire inside of her even more. 

"This is just- it's not fucking fair. What happened to you. It's not," Sydney shouted, slamming her hand against her locker door. The metal rattled loudly, and Stan winced. 

Sydney's eyes softened, feeling the anger deflate out of her as quickly as it had come. 

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. 

Stan finally looked up at that point, and the look in his eyes was enough to have her reaching out towards him, and before she knew it her hand was on his shoulder. 

"I know you are," Stan said. "-It's okay." 

"It's _not_ okay," Sydney said, her voice breaking. 

Stan shrugged, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Syd watched as he pulled out his lighter and lit up right there in the hallway, a move so classic Stanley Barber that it made her heart ache with fondness. 

"That's life," he said, shrugging his shoulders again. "In case you haven't noticed, it sucks sometimes." 

"I don't know how to deal with it when it sucks like this," Syd said. "This is beyond, like, normal levels of sucking." 

Stan gives her a tiny, sad smile at this. "Well, personally, when my life is beyond mild to moderate levels of sucking," he begins slowly, "I just- I don't know. I listen to Bloodwitch, smoke a good blunt, and remember that it's not always gonna be like this." 

"It's hard," Syd stammers, "To remember that." 

Stan gave her a meaningful look then, his eyes focused on hers and brimming with unshed tears, and Syd feels something inside of her break. 

"It's easier when you have a friend," Stan said quietly.

Stan turned away from her, walking towards the lunch room, and suddenly he was gone. 


	4. Chapter 4

Everywhere he goes, she follows. 

At first it's just a conspiracy theory of sorts, the kind of thing that Stan would go nuts for but that Sydney thought herself above. It wasn't something she was particularly inclined to notice, as she tried not to concern herself with the day to day antics of Stanley Barber- she had bigger issues to deal with, issues of the trying not to accidentally kill people with her mind variety. 

But it was hard not to notice, after a while- this girl was _everywhere_. If Stan was at lunch, mystery girl was at the table right across from him. He walked out of class, she was right there in the hallway, waiting. It reminded her, strangely, of the way Stan had been with her at first- the way he still sometimes was.

Always just around the corner with a hopeful smile. 

Right then, as if her mind had summoned him, Stanley Barber appeared next to her locker. 

"Good morning, Syd," he said cheerfully. "Great day to be alive, isn't it?" 

Syd rolled her eyes internally. "Not particularly, Stan." 

He smiled at this. 

"Also, why are you wearing sunglasses?" 

"It's sunny outside." 

"It's third period. We've been inside for the past three hours." 

Stan's smile widened, somehow. "You make a good point, Sydney Novak." slowly he slid the sunglasses down his nose and gave her a look she knew was meant to be seductive, and she giggled in return. "But the sunglasses are part of my look. I feel like you should know that by now. They make me look _sophisticated_. The ladies can't resist them." 

"Whatever you say, Stan." 

At that moment, mystery girl appeared around the corner. Syd watched as she stared at them for a moment, her books held tightly to her chest. She was close now, and Syd was finally able to get a good look at her- she had dark hair cut short, just below the chin, and she was apparently the last person in the world who still thought bangs were a good idea. She wore thick wire rimmed glasses and was somehow even tinier than Syd. Syd thought she was the only girl left in their grade with absolutely no boobs to speak of, but apparently she was mistaken. 

Unfortunate haircut aside, the girl was almost cute. 

"Speaking of the ladies," Syd said with a smile, gesturing to mystery girl with her eyes. 

Stan followed Syd's gaze to where the girl was standing in the corner, and the second his eyes focused in on her he sighed loudly. 

"Of course," he said, shaking his head. "Her again." 

"Who is she?" Syd asked, squinting at her as she was lost in a cascade of students tumbling out of the gym. 

Stan smirked at her then. "Is that a hint of _jealousy_ I hear-" 

"-Absolutely not." 

"-Okay." 

"But seriously," Syd asked. She tried to find mystery girl again, but she was lost in the crowd. "Who is she?" 

"Only my _stalker_ ," Stan said, his eyes narrowing. 

"Seriously?" Syd said, her eyebrows raised. 

"Oh, Sydney, if only I was being facetious," Stan said dramatically, his hands flailing wildly as he spoke. "I go to my locker, she's there. I go to class, she's waiting for me outside the door. I swear one time she almost followed me into the guy's bathroom." 

Syd couldn't help but giggle at that, and Stan gave her a look. She tried to stifle her laugh by hiding her face with her hand, but she couldn't. 

"What's so funny?" 

Syd looked down at her shoes to hide her smile. "This girl is pulling a Stanley Barber on you." 

Stan looked like she had just told him she had superpowers- scratch that. His expression, at the current moment, was somehow more bewildered than the night he had found out about her. 

"I have to say, Syd," he said, his voice high. "I have absolutely no idea what you mean." 

"Oh come on," Sydney said, unable to conceal her amusement any longer. "You would trail me after school just so you could oh-so-casually offer me a ride home. Tell me this isn't the same thing." 

"Well, I- This is nothing like that!" 

"Oh, no?" 

"Nope," Stan said. "At least my presence enriched your life with amazing music and tasteful fashion advice. This girl has never even said a word to me. She just-stares." 

Syd looked over again and was able to pick her out in the crowd again. She was biting her lip, playing with the end of a short strand of dark hair. 

"You could talk to her." 

Stan shrugged at this, sliding the tip of his sunglasses down to meet her eyes, giving her a dazzling smile. 

"I like talking to you." 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Your turn," Syd said, punching him playfully in the arm. They were lying down across from each other in his humid basement room, the smell of mold especially powerful tonight, but Sydney couldn't find it in herself to care. "Tell me a secret." 

"You first," Stan said, and she could hear the teasing smile in his voice. "We're not skipping your turn again." 

"Can I do a repeat?" 

"I already know all about your thigh zits, Syd," he said, returning her punch with a teasing shove. "You're going to have to try harder than that." 

"Okay, okay," Syd sighed. "I'll go, just let me think for a second." 

"The pressure is on," Stan said, his eyes shining in the dim light of the basement, and Syd felt herself blushing- what was that, even? 

"Wait- stop looking at me," Syd said suddenly, "It's distracting. And weird." 

Stan gave her an amused look. "Okay, Syd." 

Stan turned away from her then so that their backs were pressed up against each other, and his warmth against her was strangely comforting. 

"Now tell me a secret. Secret time." 

Syd found herself giggling uncontrollably at literally nothing, again, as she often did when she was high as a kite. She hated when she did it, but like with her powers, it was just another thing she found herself unable to control. 

She leaned back against Stan, still weirdly enjoying the warmth of his body- touching people felt _really good_ when you're high- and felt where his hair brushed against her neck. 

"I like your hair," she blurted out suddenly. 

"What?" 

"Yup, that's my secret," Syd stammered. "It's like- it reminds me of Dina's dog. You have poodle hair." 

She held her breath, and then Stan laughed, and then she laughed, and then she was really laughing, genuinely laughing like she hadn't in a long time. 

"Poodle hair," he said, running a hand over his scalp, still breathing heavily from the laughter. "-Might be the nicest compliment you've ever given me, Sydney Novak." 

"You're welcome," Syd said, staring as his ceiling melted above them- she was really high, wasn't she? _Shit_. 

"Your turn, Stan."

"Wait, hold on," Stan said. "That wasn't a real secret. We all know you love my hair." 

"I said I liked it. Never said love." 

"Okay, sure," Stan said. "But that's besides the point. I want a real secret." 

"A _real_ secret?" Syd said slowly, tasting the words on her tongue. They tasted both sweet and sour at the same time, and wasn't that a metaphor for life? She didn't know- she was _really_ high. 

"A real secret," Stan repeated, his voice rising with excitement. "Like the kind you have to reach into your soul to find. That kind." 

"Okay, okay," Syd said. "A real secret." 

Syd closed her eyes then. As always, when she closed her eyes, she saw a heart shaped face with beautiful dark curls. She often thought of Dina when she was high like this, thought about how good it would feel to taste her lips right now, or even just to hold her hand in the dark. 

Slowly, she reached out for Stan's hand behind her. She felt him squeeze hers back. 

"I think about Dina," she said, the words tumbling out of her. "A lot." 

She felt Stan nodding behind her. "I don't know if that exactly counts as a secret, Syd," he said, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. "I think I knew that." 

"I figured everyone thought I was over her, maybe," Syd said, taking a deep breath. "Because I've been- ignoring her, I guess. But the real reason I haven't talked to her is- I'm scared to." 

Syd squeezed her eyes shut, suddenly feeling paper thin. She had revealed too much, she knew, and Stan was going to judge her, and Stan was going to hate her, and she couldn't handle that. 

She felt her pulse start to race, and then Stan was rubbing circles into her hand. 

"I get it, Syd," he whispered. 

"I feel like I ruined her life," Syd whispered. She felt tears spring to her eyes. "That's what I do- I ruin people's lives, and I hurt people." 

Syd waited for Stan to jump to her defense then, to insist that she's wonderful and perfect and to demand that she stop beating herself up like this. She waited, but the moment never came. 

Instead, Stan continued to rub circles into her palm. 

"You didn't ruin my life," he said quietly. A pause. "I'm really fucking happy that you're here." 

Syd bit her lip, holding back tears for this kindness she didn't deserve. 

"Your turn," she choked out, her voice breaking. 

"Okay," Stan said. "I-um...wow. I forgot what I was going to say." 

"That's okay." 

Stan was quiet for a moment, and Syd took a deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth, like they'd taught her in therapy. She felt sober suddenly- her thoughts were clearer, the world was no longer a swirl of colors, and now she was just tired. She felt wrung out like an old towel, and she wondered if Stan felt the same way, and Dina. She wondered if they ever felt like she did, here on this floor, empty. 

Suddenly she heard a door slam shut above them, and a man's deep voice booming. She felt Stan tense from behind her, his back stiff and rigid up against hers, and she felt the slightest of tremors run through him. The shouting continued for a while, calling Stan's name, and only when the yelling ceased did she feel Stan exhale. 

"You okay?" 

Stan didn't answer. Syd turned to face him, and his eyes were staring at something far off, unseeing. 

"Stan?" 

"Sometimes I think I hate my dad," Stan said softly. "That's my secret." 

Syd pressed her lips together, focusing on the humming of the radiator behind her. It was too quiet all of a sudden, suffocatingly so. 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah, sometimes," he said. "-He's the reason my mom left, I know it. Well, the real reason was the drugs. But he's the reason she had to turn to that shit in the first place." 

"Oh," Syd said stupidly, trying to find something intelligent, or at least comforting to say. She came up with nothing. She hadn't expected Stan to reveal this much of himself to her, here on this floor. He was usually an open book with her, it was true, but his parents were a sore subject and he often glossed over those details. She could understand that. 

"-Sometimes I think I should hate her too," Stan said quietly. "-I think I should hate her more. I mean, my dad is shitty but at least he's still here." 

"But you don't hate her." 

"No, I don't." 

Stan took a breath, and Syd realized she had been holding hers. 

"It's just- when she was here...she was the one who got me into collecting vinyls and VHS tapes, did you know that?" 

"I didn't." 

"-She always used to say that just because something's popular and new doesn't mean it's good," he said quietly. "Sometimes the things that seem the worst in quality end up having the most character, the most value. There is value in being different- in being rare." 

Sydney blinked back tears, squeezing his hand tight. 

"She sounds nice." 

It was a stupidly simple thing to say, and Stan probably thought she was dumb, but then he was turning to face her, his own eyes glistening, and she could tell that what she had said was a kindness to him. 

"She was nice," he said thoughtfully. "-And funny, and warm. I like to think she still is." 

"When was the last time you heard from her?" Syd asked, hoping the question wasn't too prodding, too painful. Stan stiffened for a moment, and then he sighed. 

"-About two years ago," he said. He locked eyes with her then, and none of the usual Stanley Barber flirty, dramatic playfulness was there. It hurt her to see him like this, but she also realized this might be the most honest that Stan had ever been with her. 

"-I miss her sometimes," he said, his voice barely a whisper. 

"I miss her right now." 

Syd gulped, holding back tears of her own. "I know that feeling," she said. "It sucks. I'm- I wish I was better. At saying what I want to say. What I want to say is- I'm sorry." 

Stan looked at her then like he could really see her, like she was all that mattered in their universe, and Syd felt overwhelmed, suddenly, by her own emotions- never in a million years did she think she would have a friend like Stanley Barber. 

She watched as Stan smiled at her, a tear rolling down his cheek, and she wanted to brush it away but she didn't know how to. 

She felt the wetness build up on her own cheeks, and suddenly she was blushing, turning away from Stanley so her back was up against his once again. 

They were quiet for a while, and then Sydney felt Stan's arm around her waist. 

Her mind immediately flooded with reasons to push Stan off of her, to tell him this had been a mistake, that she was a danger to him, that she needed to leave. 

But as Stan wrapped his arms around her tighter, his soft cheek resting against her neck, tears leaking onto her sweater, Sydney realized that she wanted nothing more than to stay like this. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey." 

Syd froze at the voice behind her, deep yet feminine, and she knew exactly who that voice belonged to even before she spun around in front of the bathroom mirror. 

"Dina." 

Dina walked up behind her, and Syd tried not to, but she couldn't help it- she took in all of her- her scent, that light floral perfume she loved so much. The flouncy sundress that showed off her curves, the one that she had gotten on one one of the many shopping sprees Syd had been dragged along to. The light from the window above the stalls shown in, and in the harsh yellow afternoon sun, Dina looked beautiful- there was no denying that. 

Syd watched as Dina walked up to the sink next to her and started washing her hands, and Syd was reminded she was in the bathroom, the school bathroom- this was not just one of her daydreams. She snapped out of it quickly, blushing as she turned her own sink on, scrubbing furiously at her hands, the dirt under her fingernails. She was sure that Dina has noticed her staring, _stupid, stupid stupid_...

"So," Dina said, and Syd had to stop herself from jumping. "I haven't seen you around lately. Not in weeks, actually." 

"-Yeah," Syd said stupidly, momentarily frozen. She felt like her brain was short-circuiting, trying to find something to say that actually made sense, some excuse for her behavior. _Speak, you idiot, speak!_

"I've been- uh- really busy," she stammered, fidgeting under the harsh bathroom lights. 

"Oh," Dina said. Sydney knew her well enough to know that it was meant to be casual, but she could sense there was more to it, something left unsaid. "What have you been up to?" 

"Oh, you know, um- school. Stan. You know." 

"Stan?" 

"I mean- not Stan!" she almost shouted. Why the fuck did she say _that?_ The last thing she needed was for Dina to think something was going on with her and Stan- _fuck_. "-Or, we've been studying together. As friends. That's it. Mostly just school, you know." 

"Okay," Dina said. Syd thought that might have been the final word of their conversation, and then Dina was turning the water off, the screech of the the faucet handle echoing unpleasantly in Sydney's ear. And then she was face-to-face with Dina, beautiful brown eyes burning holes into her own. Syd could practically feel her cheeks turning red, her face burning. 

"-Now do you want to tell me what's actually going on with you? Because I know you and everything you just said to me was bullshit. And even if it wasn't bullshit, it's not a good enough excuse for you to avoid me for the past two months." 

"I- I'm sorry," Syd said. Dina's perfect honey colored eyes were focused in on her, and the intensity of them had her staring at the ground. She wished desperately then that she could just tell Dina the truth about what happened, why she couldn't be near Dina for her own safety, that all of the avoidance and lies were only to protect her. But telling Dina meant exposing her powers, and as she tried to speak, she found the words getting caught in her throat. 

Syd took a deep breath, her palms sweating. 

"-I've just- I've had a lot going on lately-" 

"-And you don't think _I've_ had a lot going on lately?" Dina said, her voice rising steadily, her hands shaking at her sides. "I mean- I know that Brad was a total douchebag at the end, but he was still-" 

She couldn't finished her sentence, but Syd was able to put the pieces together, as painful as it was to admit- _he was still her boyfriend. He still meant something to her._

"I know," Syd said. Dina was shaking now, blinking back tears, and Syd wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her, to hold her tight. 

" _Do_ you know? Because I like to think that if you did know, you would have been there for me. Which you haven't. Like, at all." 

Syd could only stare at her, mouth agape, as Dina walked even closer to her, backing her up against the bathroom wall, and suddenly Syd couldn't breathe. 

She felt herself begin to panic, her heart racing in her chest. 

_Not now, not now, not now_...

"I know things have been hard for you too, I know that," Dina said, her voice breaking, and Sydney hated that sound almost as much as she hated being the cause of it. "I know you're still dealing with what happened with your dad, I know that was fucking awful, I know that. But I was there for you when your dad died, I was there with you all night and every single day after, I fucking wiped your tears away every single fucking night for a month. Where the fuck were you when I needed you?" 

"Dina-" 

"-I needed my best friend," Dina said, suddenly deflating. Sydney watched her eyes, smearing her mascara, her makeup running, and Syd felt a knife go through her chest, straight to her heart- _you did this, you ruined her._

"I'm so sorry, Dina, I-" 

"-Forget it. I don't need you anymore, I can take care of myself. We're done, Syd. Whatever we had before...it's over." 

The words hit her like a punch to the throat, and suddenly she couldn't breathe, couldn't see, her vision whiting out, and she felt herself fall to her knees onto the sticky bathroom floor. She heard Dina stomp away, and with each clack of her boots against the tile she felt the distance between her and Dina grow until she was certain, without a doubt certain about what she supposed she knew all along- she was a shitty friend and a shitty person, and Dina deserved better. 

She didn't deserve Dina, and she was a piece of shit, and now she had lost everything. 

Her best friend, the most beautiful person she had ever known- her entire reason for waking up in the morning. Gone in the blink of an eye, and all because Syd was too much of a coward to be there for her. 

And now she had lost her, the only person in the world who she had ever loved, and she had lost her forever. 

Syd squeezed her eyes shut, bracing against the tiled bathroom wall, and she felt something inside her break. 

Syd heard the sharp sound of metal clanking, a loud pop, and when she opened her eyes she was greeted with a tsunami of water overflowing from the bathroom sinks, the toilets, everywhere. Fucking _gross._

Syd ran out of the bathroom then, almost tripping over herself as the water from the sinks overflowed and poured out into the hallway, and she couldn't breathe again because _she_ did that, she broke the fucking school, _again_. It wasn't long before the water was up to her ankles, and she could still hear the sinks and toilets gushing, overflowing, water forcefully hitting the ceilings, the walls, everywhere. 

"Sydney!" 

The hallway was still thankfully empty, as it was lunch period for the upperclassmen and the water thankfully hadn't reached the cafeteria yet. Syd knew it would be flooded soon enough, it would all be underwater, and she found herself frozen, unsure of where to go. The water around her continued to rise until it was almost up to her knees, and for a moment she swore that she was drowning. 

"Sydney!" 

Syd looked over to see none other than Stanley Barber, his khakis completely soaked, sprinting at her at full speed. She could only watch as he slipped rounding the corner, landing on his knees, and then quickly righted himself, making his way towards her. 

Syd wanted to move when he got there, knew she had to run, and fast, but she found herself still unable to move, eyes wide and mouth a tight line. 

"Sydney? Come on Syd. It's okay," Stan said gently. 

Syd only stood there dumbly, her expression unchanged, feet glued to the floor. 

"-Syd- this was you?" Stan asked, gesturing the floor, the floodwater rising around them by the minute. "Your- your powers? You did this?" 

Syd could only blink at him. 

"Right- stupid question, fuck," Stan muttered to himself. "I'm sorry- it's okay. Let's get you out of here." 

Syd's vision was still spinning, and she felt rather than saw Stan gently grab her arm and lead her out of the hallway through the double doors of the school's main entrance, and soon enough a stampede of students were following behind them, screaming and running towards the exit. 

It wasn't until they were huddled on the bleachers by the football field, listening to the principal give some speech about everyone getting sent home early but in an orderly fashion, that either of them spoke another word. 

"I didn't mean to do it," Syd whispered. 

Stan looked at her then, his expression pure sympathy, pure kindness. 

Slowly he shrugged off his jacket and placed it around her shoulders, and it was only then that she realized she had been shivering in her damp clothes. Stan's jacket of course was soaked and freezing too, but as he gave her a small smile, wrapping it around her shoulders, Syd was suddenly grateful for it. 

"It's okay, Syd," he whispered. "It's going to be okay." 

Syd felt herself start to shake, and Stan put an arm around her shoulder, looking at her with concern. 

"No, it's- it's not okay," she said, her voice wavering. "-Dina is never going to speak to me again. I'm a shitty friend." 

Stan squeezed his arm tighter around her and Syd found herself against him, closing her eyes, trying to shut out the world. 

"You're the best friend I've ever had, Syd," he whispered into her hair. 

Syd squeezed her eyes shut. She wanted to let Stan's words comfort her, wrap around her like a warm blanket, but she knew it was bullshit, it was all a lie for her own sake. She was a terrible person, a terrible friend, too afraid to be there for Dina when she needed her most, and now she was gone. 

She felt a tear slip down her cheek, and she was grateful that Stan didn't brush it away this time. 

She didn't deserve his kindness, she didn't deserve him, and she certainly didn't deserve Dina. 

At this point, the kindest thing she could do for Dina is to let her go and be with someone who was good enough for her, who would be there for her. 

The thought alone had Syd crying next to Stan right there on the bleachers in front of anyone, Stan rubbing her back and whispering that everything would be okay. Normally, this would have been comforting to her, made her feel just a tiny bit better. 

None of it was a comfort this time. 

This time, she knew it was all a lie. Nothing was okay without Dina, and nothing would be okay ever again. 


End file.
